MINI girl

Thursday September 07, 2006

digging for gratitude *Birthday Edition*

So I'm another year older. 29, the time when people stop celebrating birthdays by putting a candle for every year on the cake. Now it just starts to seem mean. Especially when people put "one to grow on." Is that saying you will be older before you know it? Maybe it is the hope that one will be alive to celebrate another birthday. Just another slightly morbid tradition. I feel as though I have learned quite a bit in the last year. I have learned that my friends are by my side to help when things are not-so-good- without even asking; they are there! This past year I started coming to grips with what family is SUPPOSED to mean. Whether you are embarrassed by what they do, how they think, or feeling they chose a vastly different path than you; real family loves you unconditionally - even when you mess up or make stupid mistakes. And family isn't always defined by genetics (pretty cool huh). So here, on my birthday I say thank you to my family, for being here to share in the good and for being by my side for not-so-good. While I may have another number to put behind my name, I also have the joy of another year of life with you all. I apppreciate it more that I can put a pen to (stumbling on my words, maybe a sign of getting older). Have a great day I know I will. Thanks for the memories. Posted by minigirl Sep 07 2006, 09:04:35 AM CDT Permalink

Tuesday August 29, 2006

DUCK!

I saw something today that really made me (both literally and figuratively) stop: ducks, all in a row. Yep, I was driving in to work today, and I saw the ducks leaving one park and headed in the direction of another. The part that really made me chuckle was that they waited to see if I was going to stop, then they crossed in a straight line- at the crosswalk! Anyway, that's my happy thought- they brought sunshine to my cloudy day. Posted by minigirl Aug 29 2006, 12:01:14 PM CDT Permalink

Wednesday July 19, 2006

digging in my head

I must say that it has been very interesting trying to find new ways to basic normal things that I didn't spend 6 seconds on before last week. As of tomorrow, I should be able to sit up again. If anyone EVER suggests a spinal tap: SAY NO UNLESS YOU ARE READY FOR THE MOST INTENSE PAIN OF YOUR LIFE. I am getting a blood patch in the morning to relieve the pain from the tap-I am SO thankful for that. I have officially gone a full week without driving. I miss my autonomy. I miss being able to eat without help. The good days are tolerable and on the bad days, I try not to cry. Adam has been amazing. I keep telling him, but I can't think of words strong enough to express exactly how much he means to me. His being by my side through this misery is one of the only things that keep me smiling. He is my rock. I hurt too much- it's time to go for now. Posted by minigirl Jul 19 2006, 03:47:14 AM CDT Permalink

Tuesday July 11, 2006

digging without the shovel

I have been pretty stuck in my head lately. It's funny what happens when you turn off the TV and listen to the voices- some of them are mine and the others are all friendly visitors. I forget how many people I have truly emotionally loved. If I die today I will know that I have lived just as I wanted. Yep, I have done plenty of dumb things and made too many poor choices- but who hasn't. I love my husband more than I ever thought I would be capable of feeling. I have positive hope for the people in my life. I feel lucky to have met my friends. I am a pure innocent babe looking up at the clear blue cloudless sky for the first time. Awe and inner peace fill my heart. I tremble like a willow reed, with a fresh cool drop of dew on my soft delicate parts. The wind rattles me like useless debris that someone threw out without giving any effort. The effortless affluent effluence circulates below the surface of the beautiful topsoil and the manicured lawns. No one can see it, but that doesn't take away from its presence. We choose not to see what is staring us in the eyes. Our ghosts are no longer in the closets. They are loose and wafting about. Maybe that is why we are afraid of the silence. Posted by minigirl Jul 11 2006, 08:11:57 AM CDT Permalink

Saturday July 08, 2006

digging like a jack-hammer, or so I feel

My new found tremors make life a little weird. I sit at work and feel like at any time my whole body will break out in shakes. The whole thing is really odd. I can USUALLY control my hands, but sometimes by hands and arms don't have the control that I want. It's like trying to pick up a pencil and feeling like I am using my whole hands instead of my fingers. I have now felt what it is like to have a seizure. It is just like I thought, very out-of-body. I felt like I was looking down on myself. I am also super-glad that it hasn't happened since, not cool. Please don't freak out when you read this. I'm okay, just trying to figure out my place with all this junk. It is kind of weird how something like dizziness can turn into shaking like this. Nothing was worse than being in the airport the other day and not being able to get salad into my mouth, being surrounded by strangers, feeling like my body had betrayed me, but being glad that the people I love didn't see me like that. I have 2 big doctors appointments next week, so think happy, calm, zen thoughts. Posted by minigirl Jul 08 2006, 03:11:57 PM CDT Permalink

Friday June 30, 2006

keep on digging

I find myself torn as I drive to and from work. Each day I pass the spot where the turtle got hit by a passer-by. Each day I find myself looking for her "spot." It sounds really horrible when I write it down, but it is my way of keeping her in my thoughts. I know it was a girl turtle because of her size. She was HUGE, like 8-11 inches. In my memory, I keep picturing her looking up at me as I pass her in the 3rd lane of a 4 lane road on a Saturday morning. I remember seeing blood. I kept thinking that if I stopped, I wouldn't be able to help her. I almost stopped. I was scared of what I might see. Once I passed, I told myself that when I came back a few minutes later, I would pull over if there were any signs that she even MIGHT be alive. could I have helped her across the road and saved her from being flattened, I'll never know. If I had that moment to live over again, I would stop. But I don't have that moment, I can't take it back. Each day I notice that spot where she once was fading into the pavement. Her shell has long since disappeared. I find myself not wanting to forget her. I want to keep her in my thoughts not as a cautionary tale so much as a sign of how I want to be from now on. I don't want to be the person that passes by and hopes that other people don't hit her. I will make sure that I am the person who STOPS and checks and even if it means I have to make a trip to the emergency vet. It is not so much a conscience thing as it is a moral thing. too many things in life happen so passively. People die all of the time with those surrounding it flippant about it. I cannot allow myself to become numb like that. Posted by minigirl Jun 30 2006, 04:50:40 PM CDT Permalink

still digging

The other day I found out that a friend on mine from high school, who married a guy that I dated back then, got strangled by said husband. She found out he was cheating and confronted him. They have FOUR kids. Her whole world must be falling down around her. I am trying to offer help in any way that I can, but I feel so little and ineffectual. I don't know how to resolve this in my thoughts of kharma and tao. I said the other day that I never saw that coming. This guy never seemed the slightest bit violent or I would NEVER have gone out with him. But he was tall and strong. He played football for a while if I remember correctly. I just kept remembering that he was raised by a single mom that he was very close to. I had this odd visual of his mom (who I never met) smacking his face incredibly hard and crumpling on the floor in tears after hearing of his actions. These sort of things put all my problems in perspective and humble me before all of the things that I cannot wrap my mind around. Then I see the Superman movie and for almost 3 hours I am in numb dumbstruck awe of an idealized world where one super-guy can hear the cries of the whole world. I think about how amazingly visually appealing the movie is. I think about how even though we know they are just made-up, they are the best kind of heroes because they seldom let us down. We all need a few hours of reprieve from the unbearable weight of being alive. Posted by minigirl Jun 30 2006, 11:10:43 AM CDT Permalink

Saturday June 24, 2006

digging for change (ha!)

So, things are going pretty well these days. As usual, there is too much crazy asthma stuff and the doctors aren't sure which way to go. But I am really happy with the direction of things in my life. I love my job, my husband, and (of course) the turtles. I am sort of coasting in the moment. I smile a lot. On a whole other note, I saw a turtle today that was hit by a car. The first time I passed by it, I thought it was okay. I kept telling myself I should stop, but something in my head said that I should not stop in the middle of a 4-lane busy road. By the time I turned around and was coming back for a better look (and a plan to save the turtle if AT ALL POSSIBLE), he was squished. I got this pain in the pit of my stomach. Someone hit it and didn't even stop. They would stop if it was a dog or cat, why not a turtle. They have been around since before the dinosaurs, but people can ruthlessly off them because they aren't paying attention. I am not saying that red eared sliders (probably) are going to go extinct any time soon, my only point is that life is precious. Maybe we as people need to pay attention, be humble, and embrace life. Posted by minigirl Jun 24 2006, 04:21:25 PM CDT Permalink

Sunday April 16, 2006

digging for bunnies?

Well, another Easter is upon us. Adam and I were talking the other day about this weird holiday. We get the connection of Jesus and life and the connection to eggs, but why bunnies? Where did the Easter bunny originate? I am for the chocolate ones that I can eat the ears off, but really. Do bunnies rise from the dead too? If so, that's creepy and I will definitely stop saying "Hey" to the bunny in our back yard. Good thing there is no Easter chipmunk, Adam would have to take out some bigger game with his bebe (sp?) gun. Thanks for the memories, MG Posted by minigirl Apr 16 2006, 09:59:28 AM CDT Permalink

Wednesday March 29, 2006

digging deep

It is always so easy to tell who your real friends are. Yes, the ones who will help you buy shoes and understand why it is important to actually drive around to find the right ones in your size. But also the ones who when you give them bad news or tell them things are different than they thought (dropping a bomb or what-not), they are more worried about you than they are the BS. That's awesome. I have been somewhat transient most of my life and am not really good at relying on others or asking for help (as Adam WELL knows). But during my trials and tribulations, they are there. I feel so fortunate to have so many people care so much about me. For the longest time, I thought that the only reason that people were nice to me was to get stuff out of me, but not these people who I am lucky enough to call my friends. Thanks guys. I will try to be less sappy in the future. But really, thanks. Posted by minigirl Mar 29 2006, 08:04:15 PM CST Permalink

Thursday March 09, 2006

digging for a stream. . .of consciousness

Okay, I am over the outrage. I am numb to the touch. I can't even be phased by the stupidity of the president anymore. All of this "moral outrage," yep I am over it. Someone asked me the other day what my favorite color is. I don't know any more. Is there really much of a difference? Will I offend someone if I give the wrong answer? I am no longer appalled (sp?) by the 4 hour errection pill. It is really more crushing that we have to have pills to make us feel or not feel any and everything. Aldous Huxley wasn't too far off (Brave New World). Is there really a choice between heart pills and boner pills? How does one trump the other. If your heart stops, will it matter if you can get it up. When do we start decanting the babies and whose genes will be used for the alpha males? When will sex disappear because it is "gross" and "unchristian?" We drug our kids, our elderly, our mentally defective, and anyone else who will take the pills. Where will it stop? When will the drug companies just put a rep out to run for public office? Oh no, that would be unethical. Let's not forget, folks that the mid-term ellections are right (pardon the pun) around the corner. I guess I should take a sleeping pill now, I am so over being conscious. Posted by minigirl Mar 09 2006, 11:15:56 PM CST Permalink

Sunday February 26, 2006

trial by fire

Welcome free world (sorry China). This is my first real-world attempt at a "blog." Funny how un-hip I feel. I apologize to all my friends who have so desperately been trying to get a hold of me recently. I have been hiding in a cave with Osama Bin Laden getting my exclusive interview (yeah, with all of my in-depth reporting that I always do). No, it's spring in the midwest and my allergies apparently don't agree with seasons. I digress; I will try to stay topical and be poignant, but I make no promises. The world is in shambles, nobody wants to admit it. People seem to be afraid of everyone else's religious fundamentalists and ignorant of grace. I will try to be intelligent and "fresh," but I am a woman with short-comings. I will also try to be humble and open, but I am opinionated and talkative. That said. . . The time has come! We must turn off "American Idol" and throw down our TV dinners. Let's rise up against the spoon-fed riteousness that denies us our rights and say "I WILL BE COUNTED!" If you are looking in the darkness for a voice, follow me. If you are searching for the will to go on, follow me. If you are lost and need to get to the nearest Starbucks, follow me. That's all for tonight, but I am pissed off and ready to write. Leave me comments and I will try to remember to reply. Thanks, MINIGIRL Posted by minigirl Feb 26 2006, 07:53:56 PM CST Permalink